change sucks

(side note: kind of a debbie downer post... proceed with caution!!!)

change sucks! kind of an oxymoron to me sometimes. I joke about priding myself on the fact that i love change and i seek it out whenever possible. I have moved 6 times in the last 5 years, i have been to multiple schools, held multiple different jobs, attended multiple churches, moved cities, etc, and each time i have enjoyed the change and looked forward to it and anticipate the change, but, lately i've realized that the more change that happens, its not as glamorous as it appears in my mind; change sucks! I know that each time I have made a change in my life its been because thats what I was supposed to do at that time, but I'm coming to a place where I'd like to stay put for longer than 6 months, Be able to make friends and keep them, find a church and join it, find a long term volunteer opportunity, plan a job or career, and all of those are hard to do when you know (I know) that my time in that particular place in my life is only for 6 months or 7 months and then change comes again knocking on my door.

I've been real down recently about all this change going on and not knowing anything about my future or even about my present. My belongings are spread out between 4 places (including a storage unit), my heart is in one city while my life is in another and my body is in yet another. I am currently living in the living room of a great girl and roommate who I have come to dearly love and enjoy the company of, but that brings a lot feelings of everything right here and right now being so temporary. It's hard to have a lot of friends make empty statements like they'll come to visit or they'll call you later and in the back of my mind I know that they are not thinking about me because they are off having fun and fellowshipping, as well they should be and I wish nothing more for my friends to be happy and having fun enjoying life with each other but its hard to have those comments made to me and know that a lot of the times they are not going to be fulfilled. I wonder if its really possible to create lasting friendships in such a short amount of time and really expect for those relationships to continue on once change and distance have been put in the mix.

I know that with all this uncertainty in my mind that I have so much to be certain about in my love and faith in God and I can put all my cares upon Him. That I hold dear and close, but in the moments of being lonely and alone, I can't help but think about how I wish things were a bit more stable and predictable than they are now and have been. That sounds so wrong because I am happy where I am at right now, I am enjoying finishing my last semester of college and being back in the city that I love and having the opportunity to travel overseas so much this year, but at the end of the day, it's so hard to be in the right here and right now and have this loneliness creep over me like a blanket I just can't kick off.

This is so raw and real and random but its REAL and RAW and me.