heavy heart

Hey guys,

This week I've had a heavy heart. It's weird to be in the place I am currently in. Not knowing where my life is going and having no control. The rain here doesn't help the mood either. And not enough sleep aids in the desire to sleep all day. But beyond that, life here has just been in a major rollar coaster ride. Why? Because I have been having the time of my life with my friends, making memories, enjoying all the experiences I can and yet I have this horrifying fear of what is to come. Ok, thats a lie, its not a horrifying fear, but some days it can seem that way. In two months, if I don't have a job, I will be an illegal alien (what a foreign concept), jobless, homeless, and utterly confused on what to do next. Ok, pity party officially over....now.

But even though the pity party is over, all this uncertainty has led to a whole lot homesickness. A lot. more than I've ever had in the last ten months. (Which by the way, last weekend was my ten month anniversary and I spent it in Istanbul) Anyways, this week I have been "Craving" me some America. Ice cubes. Baseball. American tv. Fast food. Soda from a fountain. hugs. smiling at strangers. chatting up the cashier at the grocery store. Wal-mart. Warm weather. ...I could basically go on and on so I Will stop now.

In all this awesome fun of being in a foreign country, traveling, living life to the fullest, enjoying every moment, having so much fun, I still need to admit that it can become a bit overwhelming also at times.

People keep asking me (alllllll the time) how I just up and moved to a foreign country and honestly, I can't answer that. I just did. I had all the will and determination in the world and I was ready for the change. I didn't do it alone, I trusted in God to guide me and keep me safe and that He did do. I also believe that some people are designed to do what I have done and others, not so much. I have seen that since I have been here, people just leaving because it was too much to handle. But I don't know where to go from here. When all the odds are stacked against you and the hurdle in front just seems too big to manage around or over. What do you do then?

I am asking these questions in a rhetorical sense. I am sure everyone has been in this place at one time or another, maybe not in France or in a foreign country, but in some instance in their lives I am sure you all can relate. But how do you battle the feeling of defeat? and the feelings of hopelessness?

I am praying so hard that God would reveal his plans to me. And I am hoping it comes quicker than not because in my eyes, time is running out. Everyday that passes is another day closer to my visa expiring.

There is a lot of uncertainty in the next few months. A lot. I welcome all the changes. But am I really that welcoming to uncertainty? Are we ever welcoming to uncertainty in our lives?

Some deep thoughts to ponder.

Well, I will leave you on that note. Have a great day, the choice is yours! <3, MOI