I started to write a post a few days ago and titled it 'negative nancy...thats my name" and then got side tracked or realized that i didn't want to air all my dirty laundry out there for all to read so i quit and its a good thing. I think its been a few days since I have written and for a few reasons. I have been going through a rough spell and there really hasn't been a whole lot of interesting enough stuff to write about. I mean, I guess I can always come up with something as my mind is always going a mile a minute, but come on folks, no one's life can literally be THAT exciting all the time. not even lindsay lohan's or the reall housewives of any city.
So i haven't written since i went to Versailles last Friday and today is Tuesday I do believe. This weekend was really rough on me. I want to write about this because it shows those who think that I'm some hero for getting up and moving or think that you could never do it or that my life seems to be so perfect right now, that all of those things are false....this is real, this is hard, and this is my life... I had a few bad days but the Lord has shown his mercy and love to me through it all and I am so thankful for that! Saturday was a little on the relaxing side but also gave me time to think and thinking is never good for me. I realized just how much I miss my family and friends, and I realized I don't have that here. Sure, I live with a great family who has treated me like royalty since i walked in their front door, but they aren't MY family and I don't feel a part of theirs yet. Sure I have a few friends here but they aren't MY friends from back home. And on a day like that one, there just wasn't a Dr. Pepper to cure it all! My walls came crashing down. I felt helpless without transportation, I felt trapped as I live in a small town and don't know where anything is or have a way to get anywhere, I felt lonely.
I have really been struggling with having helpless feelings lately! It's a rough subject to think about because I am a "go get 'em" type person, very independant and while I don't mind other people depending on me, I don't like to have to depend on anyone else for everything that I need and I have had to do that since the moment I moved here. It's an awful feeling! I'm really working through it with God right now...to depend on him and realize that is ok! It's not only ok, its the best thing I could do. I firmly believe that He brought me and he would not bring me here to France and just drop me off and say, see ya later, have fun!!!! He's going to guide and direct me and watch out for me... in that, two verses have stuck out to me, Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength", but also, Phil 1:6 that says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." i feel as though those two verses don't need any explination but to say that I have a lot left to learn about this world I live in and being more Christ-like in my everyday thoughts, feelings, and actions!!!
Sunday morning I got up and left for church and was just feeling really crappy still. I had not reconciled my totally retarded feelings and I honestly had a breakdown on the train to church. My phone wasn't working, I was probably tired, it was not sunny outside, and I just wasn't feeling confident in anything I was doing...equals ugh!!! After the service I was with some friends and this girl walked up and introduced herself and started talking to me and I just let my guard down and told her how crappy my day was and how I just felt so incompetent and the I really feel the Lord put her in my life at that very moment to shake me and say, ITS OK!!! YOU CAN DO IT! She was such a blessing! She offered to help me take care of some stuff and took my number ot help get me more involved in the church, and just gave me a new view for the day! The rest of the day was nothing to write about it, but my attitude for sure was changed with a switch of that one girl speaking words of confidence into myself and my mind!
Anyways, since I apparently type too much for people who read this, I am trying to not type so much but I am naturally an open book and want to share who i am with all who want to know.
In the last two days I have spent some time alone with God, reading the Bible and praying and trying to hear what he is saying to me. I decided I needed to stop moping around and take control of my situation instead of complaining about it... so that is what I have been doing this week! (I know its only 2 days into the week, but I feel so accomplished). I am working on getting a French Bank account which is a lot harder than it seems, once I have a french bank account I can then not worry about always having cash on me(woo hoo!!!) and I can also then get a new phone which would be nice. My host father bought me a pay-as-you-go phone the first weekend I was here and its just driving me crazy having to always buy credit to put on it and never knowing what is going on, etc. So i decided I needed a contact phone and since i'm going ot be here at least 11 months I can go ahead and get a 12 month contract. it's kind of pricey for the amount of money I am making but I have decided it is necessary to have a working phone that I know I can depend on since there isn't a whole lot less I can depend on (ie transportation, weather, etc).
I will write another post maybe later tonight about my day today as it was semi-interesting, I conquered a few more "firsts" and am now heading to bed without chatting with anyone time because for the first time since I arrived, I just cannot stand to be awake a minute longer than I have to.
I love you and miss you and love hearing from you all, via facebook, gchat, skype, and email....so keep it coming please!
love, me
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