homesick...

its a recurring theme, it seems!

I've really spent some time thinking about homesickness and my friends (here and in America), family, life, what I am doing, where I am in life for the age I am at, where I want to go, whats in my future, etc, etc.
And by a lot, I mean, I've been forced to think about a lot of these things because a lot of changes are coming up and a lot of people ask me questions making me have to think about all these things.

I've come to the conclusion though that some people are made, God designed, to move away and do something different, while others are made to stay put and be who they are where they are. Follow me. A lot of people ask me the same questions over and over again, "Don't you miss your family?", "How could you ever move here on your own?", "Do you plan on going home anytime soon?", etc, etc, etc...you see the direction of all these questions. The answers are DUH!!!!! I miss my family! I am really close to my family and its hard not being so close to them all the time like I had been for my previous 23 years. How could I move on my own??? I just did it?!?! I don't really know how to answer questions like that in less than a days time of explaining my life story and do I want to go home??? Hmm...another hard question to answer. The thing is, when I was in the States, my whole life, especially the last 6 years or so, I never felt like I could find right where I fit in. It's a lot of long stories that I won't bore you with, but I knew from a relatively early age that I was destined for bigger things. And by bigger I don't mean I'm meant to be better than anyone else or marry a celebrity and be rich and beautiful (although I am rich and beautiful, just in a different way), just that in the pit of my stomach, my heart of hearts, there was just something different about me and there was something stirring in my heart. I now know what it is and I am grateful that God did not reveal to me any earlier than he did the plans he had for me otherwise there could've been a completely different outcome than there is now. But anyways, things just always felt a bit off when I lived in the States...I tried moving to find out just what it was, I mean, when I was in college I probably moved every 6-8 months. I considered myself a nomad for 5 years, living out of my car sometimes more than an actual place, living out people's guest houses, the living room of a friends apartment, the spare bedroom of another, and just never calling anywhere home. I tried moving to Los Angeles at one point and realized that wasn't right, thought a lot about moving to the east coast and still that didn't feel right... It wasn't until my 4th year of college that I went on a holiday to Paris, when I stepped off the plane and for 7 days, never felt more at home than I'd ever felt in my life. Things came together over the next year and half that allowed me to find a job and move here to come live my life. But with all the questions I am asked from people all over the place and for different reasons, I can confidently say that I am where I am supposed to be and no amount of "homesickness" can make me want to give up what I am doing right now. Sure, I am completely homesick sometimes and wish for nothing more than to be back home in the arms of the ones I love, eating some greasy Mexican food and not having to think about what I am going to say every time I want to speak when out in public, that sounds divine right now, but I honestly wouldn't trade any of it for a cheap way out to go back to the easy but the "not right for me" life.

I think life is going to be hard whether we take the "easy way" or not. And I don't see my life as being the hard way but according to my mom I'm infamous for choosing the difficult route in life. ha. And as hard as life has been at time in the last almost 7 months I have lived here in Paris, I wouldn't trade it for a moment anywhere else. There is a peace that overcomes any other feelings I have at any point ever. Its incredible. I wish for everyone to have that experience someday if you haven't already. I guess an equivalent would be to say, when you're in love and you know its right and everything else seems minuscule compared to what you have, you don't care... I am so in love with Paris and its so right for what I need to be doing and where I need to be right now that the other things don't seem so large. Yes, there is a REALLY large ocean between me and some of the people I love more than anything, but there are also large airplanes to carry those people over to visit(or myself over there), there is French landlines which are amazing (America sucks in this category) which allow me to call anywhere in the US for free at any time (how amazing is that???), there is skype and there is snail mail and there are many other forms of communication. Oh yea, this is off subject but my favorite form of new age communication is "whatsapp" for those of you who have a blackberry or iPhone. With this I can chat with my dad or friends or other family for FREE (gratuit) anytime I want to. And send pictures and videos. In love!

So all this to say, lately, I have been really homesick, but I have learned and come to the conclusion that some people can handle the homesickness while others can't. It's just how we're made. I was made to conquer the world, one Parisian at a time, and I am so happy here, while others are made to conquer the world from somewhere else, sometimes closer to their families or where they were brought up, like my sister and her husband. Neither is better, neither is worse, its just how God created us and what our plan is while here on this earth.

I miss my family so much right now and I know its because my parents are coming to visit in just ONE WEEK and I usually get homesick when I know I am going to see my family or friends because of the anticipation and the actuality of it all, but that homesickness is going to fade away in one weeks' time when there are here with me. I cannot wait!!! I have been calling my Mom everyday (and that is not normal since I've lived here) because I want to discuss everything with her for some reason. She might tell you it annoys her for me to call her everyday but she knows she really likes it...don't lie Mom!!!

Anyways, I hope that clears up a bit for some of you who are the one's I speak about who ask me questions, or have questions like this. I honestly don't know the next time I will be in the States, I can't plan that far ahead, right now I am working on trying to finish up the year contract I have at the job I'm at and starting another one and moving and traveling...

...It's a crazy life, but someone has to do the job!!! :-)

Just know this, I miss you all like crazy, and I wish the world were small enough to where we could all be within walking distance of each other, but since it isn't and we aren't, just know that I do think of you all ALL THE TIME (that is not a lie!!) and i miss you all so much!!!

Love, me