its not over

Don't go thinking just because I have decided to make the move back to the US of A that my life has suddenly become bland and boring because that is the complete opposite. Ok, I'm bluffing a bit, but I still have quite a bit to write about. Like the fact that I have been traveling Europe for the past 3 weeks. And I just got off a plane today only to return to the same airport tomorrow to get on another plane (domestically this time) for another week. 

Give me a second to become de-jetlagged, sleep in my own bed for more than one night and take it all in for a second and I'll be back. 

Besides, I still haven't written about my 2 months in Houston nor my trip to Michigan. Gosh. 

Hope everyone is enjoying the cooler (somewhat) temps that Houston is offering right now. Maybe, just maybe, there might be a legit fall, and on time. 

Adios.

Good byes

I have never really been that great with good byes. Everyone says that but its so true. I don't really believe in good byes. I wish good byes didn't even have to exist. I am not really sad, I don't cry, I don't think it makes sense in my body or mind that this is a good bye. Or even how to react to a good bye. I moved away from my family and friends and said good bye and I think I cried the first time but after that it wasn't "sad" to me. In my mind they are always "see you later" because eventually I assume I will see you again. And leaving France was no different. Between the house sitting that I was doing the week before I left, packing up and moving my stuff to different friends apartments to be stored and cleaning out my apartment I somehow squeezed in a good bye party. It was so strange. It felt like just another "picnic" at the Champs de Mars. But deep down I knew this picnic was not like the others.

I have had a great last two years. Don't let anything I've written on here convince you otherwise. I think the crappy situations and hard times are what make for good writing and this has been a constant source for letting me be frustrated without causing drama, but my experience in France has been to be remember. Not because it was the last two years of my life, but because it was the most amazing two years of my life. These last two years top any 5 minutes of the previous 22 years of my life. Yes, I did just say that. And I'm not kidding. And so, to have to actually come to reality that this picnic was the last time I might see some of the most amazing people who have helped make the last two years the most amazing times of my life was ridiculously hard. It was awkward. I didn't know what to say or how to act or what to do. I really really hated the good byes.

So here is my amazing good bye party... one last hoorah in the city of light. with the Madame tour Eiffel.

And then to make the night even more sad, ha, Jordan and I went up to my empty apartment for the last time to give it a proper good bye. This good bye was sadly one of the hardest ones, haha. It was where I had spent so many hours and where I had created a home after not having a job for nearly four months. It was where I cooked many meals and had parties and sleep overs.

And then I took one last look out my window at the Eiffel Tower. It was the last time I would see the Eiffel Tower as a resident of the most amazing city in the world.
(now cry a river why don't ya.... its sad stuff here)

As I sit and write this from my huge bedroom inside my parents ridiculously huge house (in my opinion, compared to what I have been accustomed to for the past two years) I miss that place like crazy. I have been home for nearly two months now and its not the same. Life won't be the same again. Mostly because I am a changed person. A lot because the world has changed around me as well. Paris will forever hold the dearest of places in my heart and no matter where the next chapter in my life takes me, Paris will not loose its place. I know it was time that I move on and change the pace a bit and while I am eager and excited for what is to come, I am happy to look back at all the memories I now carry with me.

Thank you to ALL who made my life in France what it was. You are and will always be very dear to me! Je vous aime!

post france

There has been a lot that happened from where I last left off until now. Even just until my first week in the USA which was awesome. But tonight I want to get something off my chest.

It's called culture shock. Or in my case, reverse culture shock.

I am not sure if that is even the correct terminology to use.

When you decide to up and leave everything you've known, for a year, for two years, for a lifetime, and change everything. Change the country or state, change friends, change status, change cultures, change everything. It isn't an easy story. However I have depicted my last two years and counting to you, I have no idea, because I have been living it. It has been equal parts good and bad. I have been challenged more than I thought imaginable but had some of the highest of highs. France was good to me, all in all. When I look back on the last two years, I choose to remember the fun times I had with the kids, the cool places I got to visit and live, making some incredible friends, experiencing some firsts I will never forget, as opposed to the bad days or rough situations I encountered along the way. The point of that is to say, it isn't easy moving countries. Regardless of whether I chose to do or was forced to, it isn't easy.

But no one has asked me how I am doing.

That feels so selfish to admit but sometimes I just wish someone would ask me, "so, how are you handling all of this?", "are you ok?"... because you know, some days I am not.

No pity party here. Not at all. I have made the decisions I know I needed to make in the moment I needed to make them. But that doesn't make it easy. I gave up all my friendships, a job, and a life I had created for myself in France and I have chosen to move back into my parents house where I have no car, no job and very few friends. Yes, its the city where I grew up in and I'm near all my family which I am thankful for but it doesn't make it easier. And sometimes I really feel I haven't been allowed the opportunity to adjust. Like I was forced immediately into this new life. No bad days accepted.

It's been hard I've realized when I've allowed myself to realize what all has happened. I get lonely. I get overwhelmed. I get frustrated. And I don't have any answers to any of your questions.

I know I'll be able to create a life for myself here, where ever 'here' ends up being. But until then, this is what I'm dealing with. All the changes.

Like I said, no pity party whatsoever. But just know, as hard as it is to move away. Its equally as hard to move back.

my last two weeks as a nanny in Paris

I wish I had taken the time to write down all my thoughts and what all happened because the following two weeks are now the biggest blur of events and emotions and I am struggling to put it all into words. I had 2 weeks to pack up my belongings and say good bye to everyone all while keeping up with the pace of life I had chosen to have: babysitting on top of my nanny job, house/dog sitting, and trying to find a place to store my things that I could not take back with me. How I managed to make it out of those two weeks alive and kicking, I'll never know. But looking back, the last two years, if nothing more, have taught me how tough of a person I really am. That I don't need people to help me. Of course its great to know I do have so many wonderful people in my life that I can depend on, but its also a very liberating feeling to know that I can do much myself. 

And so it began. My final two weeks in Paris. 

I kind of knew this was coming a while before. When everyone would ask me what my plans were for the summer I'd tell them I had plane tickets back to the US for about 2 months. They'd say, "well, you're coming back aren't ya?" And I really never felt like I could honestly say, "YES". I always answered with, "well, I have a return ticket but I guess we won't know until I board that flight" and that was truly how I felt. I had really been struggling deep down about returning to France but the inner battle was this: I LOVE France, this is where my friends are, the friends that have become my family. Paris is the most incredible city in the world, how could I ever leave this place? vs. I really feel like its right to move back. There is so much more opportunity for me back in the US, i have an amazing support system, I have the opportunity to get a real job. BUT how could I ever leave this amazing place? BUT how in the world am I going to stay here? ....this was what I thought about all the time. 

The last few weeks I was in Paris were crazy. There was a family in my building that the family I worked for has introduced me to who needed some help with their children for a week while they were in Paris on vacation and I ended up working over 40 hours for them (on top of my nanny job). The week prior I had been incredibly ill (I think I wrote a blog post about my exciting visit to the french doctor) and my last week in Paris was spent house/dog sitting for some friends who were on vacation in the US so I was between apartments. All while working. 

And when I decided to leave Paris for good I knew I had such a small window of opportunity to tell all my close friends. That was the hardest. But everyone was so supportive. 

I really wanted to have a little goodbye party but before I could announce something like that via facebook or by word of mouth I really felt I needed to let all my close friends know that I wasn't come back, in person. That was the hardest thing to do. Not because I couldn't tell them but because everyone was so busy. And I was so busy. But eventually I got to speak to everyone I knew needed to hear it from me and it was on to party planning. Not surprisingly, most of my friends weren't surprised at the news. They were sad but not surprised. Thats the thing with living in Paris and having such international friends... you never know when anyone might leave. And for me, it came with two weeks notice. 

continued (1)

The backstory to all of this is that I'd been struggling for a while about coming back in the fall. I have always felt that the reason I was in Paris was because I felt that was where God has been calling me to be. Everything always happened in such perfect timing and in such perfect ways, even if I didn't view it that way immediately, that I knew it was always just right. And I always said I wanted to be there "a jamais" forever and the French government would have to kick me out of the country before I'd voluntarily leave. But with so many unknowns, there was no way of knowing how long "forever in Paris" would last. I knew I didn't want to be a nanny forever and I knew it wasn't really a possibility based on the visa I was on and the amount of money I had in my bank account. This past year has been a real rough one, if any of you have regularly read my blog you would have read about it. It's been a year of rough jobs, unemployment, cold winter, the unknown and lots of moves. When i got this job in February and started in March I thought I had the perfect job. It was a family that two of my good friends had previously worked for so I knew they couldn't be that bad and I knew the apartment was a great apartment and the pay wasn't half bad and the hours were pretty fair. But when I started this job I realized that things had changed. My heart had changed, my direction had changed, my mind had changed, my interests had changed. Everything had changed. I wanted to blame the family but the more I allowed myself to look inward, I realized that everything was leaning towards a change in my life. God had changed the course of direction and I needed to change to be on the same page. But i struggled heavily with the fact that I had given my word to this family to come back to nanny for them in the fall. I am, or I try my hardest to be, a woman of my word. It stressed me out to think about "quitting" the job, even if it was to go back to the States to get a real job and start a career. I, also, at this point was struggling with the fact that my visa had run out and I was now in the country without a legal status. That mixed with the fact that I could not come up with a way to get another visa for the fall and you have all the signs pointing the opposite direction. I so badly wanted to stay in Paris with every fiber  of my being and yet I couldn't find a single way. I didn't realize I was so stubborn until recently when I have come to notice that I will not give up until I have exhausted all my options. I banged on every door possible to stay in Paris and when none of them opened I started to look else where to see where my life could be headed now. I then started to job search in the states. I started to get my resume together and practiced writing cover letter. I started researching what jobs I qualified for and what jobs I was interested in. And I started to get excited about the opportunities in front of me.

and then it all changes..

As does everything in Paris happen like this, or should I say, in my life, the tables turned...

It was the Tuesday of the second week in the month of June when I sat down to have a discussion with the parents of the family I have been working for. The conversation didn't go at all how I had imagined. I had thought I'd let them know my frustrations with the job and they'd tell me things maybe they saw I could change to fit their family better and we'd collectively come to some solutions and that would be that. But how it really happened was that I barely got a word in edgewise and I sat there not knowing how to interject anything I wanted to say without sounding impolite. Half way through this discussion the mom started going off on a tangent that I truly believe was from a higher power. She started talking about how she thought we should reassess this relationship at the end of June before I leave to go home for the summer and see if it fits us still. She didnt think I was fit to be a nanny for the rest of my life and that she knows I am not that young anymore and she thought I should go back to the US and start my career and chase my dreams. This is what she would tell her own daughter if I were her. She told me many other things along the same line and if I hadn't already been struggling with coming back and what decision I was going to make then I would have been offended. She told me she felt guilty that she had me commit to come back in the fall when she's not sure thats what I want to do and that if I choose not to then she would not be mad at me but that she would understand. In all honesty, that was the scariest yet most liberating (and awkward) conversation of my entire life. This lady had NO idea what was going through my head, she had no idea that I was struggling with this exact topic, and she had no idea that I was desperately needing to hear the words that had just come out of her mouth. She had just let me off the hook I had been dangling from and couldn't figure how to get off of. Wow. I walked home just stunned. How in the world did she know? What just happened? What? whaaaaaaa....

With my mind made up (almost) I called one of my best friends in Paris and told her. "Caroline, there is a 99% chance that I am not coming back in the fall...." The other end of the line was a little quiet and then I heard a very serious "are you serious?" "yes! I just had the most incredible conversation with the mom and I know its what I need to do" I spent the next hour just talking to Caroline about how I felt and how the conversation with the mom had gone and what was on my heart. Caroline has been one of my closest friends this past year in Paris and it was the hardest thing to realize that in making this decision I would be leaving her and the rest of my amazing friends, but you know you have the real deal when your friend supports you through such a major decision. I left that phone called really excited. Excited that I had finally made a decision. And excited for my future (in America...).

 So embarrassing but a while ago we had a massive downpour over a day or two and i got stuck in it with my cute black ballet flats and they were already going downhill with the amount I was walking in them (as have all my shoes) and the torrential downpour ended the life of my cute little shoes. I had no other shoes left at this point except my tennis shoes (besides high heels which would've been even more worthless in almost flooded paris). I was so embarrassed to wear these out in public when i wasn't working out but I had no other option. 

The things we (are forced to) do sometimes. Not in the name of fashion. 

Paris on a good day. With blue skies. AND the sun. not very often. sadly.

This is Skye and Alix. Alix has been my little girl since I started my new job in March and Skye is a little boy who I pick up every Tuesday and take with us to painting class. He is your typical 8 yr old boy if not more energetic. He and Alix did not always get along, they were always starved, and had the attention span of nothing and I had 15 minutes to convince them they wanted to walk to their art class which was more than 15 minutes away. Tuesdays were usually a lot of work. This day we walked past a Hummer, a bright yellow one actually, and they posed in front of it. Such French kids who have no clue how to smile for a camera. 

To add to random photos taken throughout Paris, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and we sat and caught up in front of the Eiffel Tower as you do and we were getting too distracted by all the tourists taking touristy photos so we decided to join 'em. Here I am copying what other people were doing around me. 

The view from my apartment window.

The view if you looked out my window and to the right. This view is not as good as my last apartment but not half bad either. 

Adios amigos!